Unconscionable Sillliness by Jeram
Unconscionable Sillliness by Jeram
http://www.patronuscharm.net/s/18/1/

A collection of silly one-shots, challenges, and other ridiculous nonsense.

Published on December 31, 2007
Updated on December 31, 2007
Humor/Parody / Other
Rated R
Oneshot
7,155 words
4 chapters
Other Setting

Generated: September 23, 2019 at 8:08 AM Unconscionable Sillliness at PatronusCharm.Net
Chapter 1: The Pile-On

The Pile-On

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Harry breathed heavily as he faced his mortal enemy on the field of battle. His vision was filled with the corpses of those already fallen, most by Voldemort's indiscriminate killing spells. Voldemort seemed to care little about complicated magic, merely sending killing curse after killing curse into the panicked crowd, downing more than a few of his own hapless minions who failed to get out of the way.

Voldemort stood arrogantly with a faint, hideous smirk on his malformed face, his wand triumphantly held aloft. He kicked a charred skull away almost casually as he walked closer to Harry, ripping through dead bodies with mere thought alone.

'This is it,' Harry thought mournfully. 'After all this time, all the death I've cheated, all the Horcruxes I may or may not have successfully destroyed, all the killing curses I've dodged... Nothing stands between me and Riddle, nobody left in sight to help... I'm on my own for the first and last time; let's hope the Power He Has Not finally shows its bloody face.'

Voldemort frowned as he stopped walking about ten feet from his foe. "Hmm, seems almost too easy after all this time, Potter. Ah well, can't say I particularly care that you'll be simple to finish off. Avada Kedavra." Voldemort incanted the killing curse emotionlessly, catching Harry completely by surprise.

Harry flinched as he waited the last split second it would take to die by the unerring curse, knowing in his heart he would not dodge in time. The green light came closer, and closer, and closer still. Time slowed down and Harry swore he could hear his own steady heartbeat and his blood flow throughout his body, he thought he might just see his life start to flash before him.

"Nooooooooo!!" A shrill cry startled Harry and Voldemort, and without warning, Ginny Weasley leapt in front of the curse. The curse struck her and she collapsed to the ground, dead instantly. Harry looked up confusedly at Voldemort.

"Tom, I thought you had already killed her."

Voldemort looked thoughtful. "I suppose I must have missed. Well, no matter. Avada Kedavra." The killing curse sped toward Harry, who was still shocked by Ginny's sudden appearance and failed to move in time.

But Harry was saved yet again when Ginny's older brother Ron Weasley leapt in front of the curse with a girlish squeal. "I'm the hero!" Ron squeaked out before falling silent, forever.

Now Tom looked annoyed and snarled at Harry. "Potter, I don't know what game you're playing , but I tire of your foolish attempts at survival!" With that, the Dark Lord sent five killing curses at Harry with rapid succession, who prepared to leap aside, a bit more prepared this time.

Of course, it turned out to be unnecessary.

"Not my beloved Harry-pookums!" Hermione yelled in an oddly pleasing baritone, surprising Harry, who had thought their relationship was just platonic. Hermione crumpled to the ground on top of the deceased Weasleys, finally reuniting with her sexually confused friends.

"I hate you Harry, but now you'll remember that I-" Draco's final tirade was cut off while he jabbered incoherently to his old nemesis, plowing into the rapidly growing pile of corpses, dead instantly.

"I don't even know you!" Blaise Zabini shouted before succumbing to his inevitable death. Harry nodded at this, he really didn't know Blaise at all. His mother on the other hand...

"Not my darling Blaisey-poo!" A startlingly beautiful woman hurled herself at Voldemort, intercepting the next curse.

"Ah, nuts..." Harry mumbled. "I never got a chance to fool around with her."

"Hope I'm not too late to help out, Harry," Neville Longbottom yelled out belatedly, before getting unceremoniously hit by the unblockable curse. Fortunately for him, he was now part of his very first three way with Hermione and Ginny (a long time fantasy), albeit posthumously.

Harry started to chuckle. "Man, looks like the power you have not is a bunch of idiots willing to sacrifice themselves to save me, Voldie."

"Do not mock me, Potter!" Voldemort shrieked furiously. "I have powers you could not hope to comprehend!" With another filthy invective, Voldemort hurled another twenty rapid killing curses at Harry.

Not worried in the slightest, Harry just stood there and waited.

Sure enough, the next killing curses were caught, in turn, by Seamus Finnegan, Charlie Weasley, Roger Davies, Euan Abercrombie, Wilfred Elphick, Yardley Platt, Owen Cauldwell, and Urquhart Rackharrow, then Arabella Figg, Mundungus Fletcher, Anthony Goldstein, Andrew Kirke, Morag McDougal, Ernie Macmillan, Eloise Midgen, Sally-Anne Perks, Dean Thomas, Orla Quirke, Stan Shunpike, and Zacharias Smith.

"Wow... that was interesting." Harry said in an amused tone. "That last bunch seemed to be alphabetical, but wait... Harry carefully inspected the corpse pile. "Hey, the first bunch of people spell out S-C-R-E-W-Y-O-U!" Harry burst out laughing. "And you having 'powers I could not hope comprehend'? Try using some other curse, Tommy, maybe the Tickling Hex? You aren't having much luck with your old standby."

Sputtering and near blinded with rage, Voldemort charged Harry, letting off several killing curses that had no chance of coming anywhere close to hitting the Boy-Who-Lived. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your perspective), Harry Potter's beloved teachers leapt in front of the curses.

"We'll save you Harry!" shouted Flitwick triumphantly.

"For Dumbledore!" yelled McGonnagal.

"K'Bloo Fnub!" Hagrid roared.

"Pup! Woof!" Lupin cried, tears flowing copiously down his cheeks.

"Wait for me!" shouted Slughorn in a cowardly fashion.

"No, you don't have to..." Harry started to say. "And... now it's too late. Idiots."

Voldemort, having ignored all this, barreled headfirst into the enormous tower of dead martyrs, knocking himself silly. His mouth was filled with spittle, and he reared back, intent on finishing off his cursed foe. However, the pile of bodies had become too unstable, and the insidious necromantic scents wafting off had finally taken their toll on Voldemort.

The Dark Lord coughed and wheezed, feeling oddly weak. "Can't... breathe... must... cast... killing curse... only... spell... I know..." But it was too late; Voldemort had breathed his foul, disgusting last.

Harry sat down on a nearby corpse to think for a minute.

"Oh no, are we too late?"

Harry looked up, startled, to see the nearly naked forms of Angelina Johnson, Luna Lovegood, Romilda Vane, Cho Chang, Katie Bell, and the Patil twins.

"Girls? What are you doing here? And why are you all in knickers?" Harry probably didn't need to ask this last question, but he was a bit too curious for his own good.

"Oh that," Angelina said dismissively. "We were getting new clothes for the last battle, but I guess we took a bit too long."

"Oh, fudge!" Parvati pouted cutely, crossing her arms under her ample bosom. "Now how are we supposed to help out Harry?"

"Well we could all just play Find the Snogg-flapper with him," Luna said absently.

The other girls looked at Luna blankly, then looked at Harry, then looked back at Luna. Cho turned toward Harry and grinned rakishly. "You know, this time I think I understand what she means."

"Wait a minute," Harry said. "We can't just... I mean what about the legal blah blah bufaiii!" Harry trailed off as he was interrupted by Romilda sticking her finger somewhere unexpected.

"On the contrary, Mr. Potter," the gruff voice of Slughorn wheezed, as the corpulent Professor clambered to the top of a pile of dead Death Eaters. "You will find that your new status as the Chosen One grants certain... privileges."

"Hey, didn't you jump in front of an Avada Kedavra?" Harry accused Slughorn, trying desperately to ignore what Katie was doing to his toes.

Slughorn looked disapprovingly at Harry. "Come now, Mr. Potter, does that sound like me?"

Harry's eyes widened in understanding. "No, but you WOULD jump as though you were trying to sacrifice yourself - and then if I didn't make it, you could always say later that you intended to make it look like you were trying to save mee-ulp!." Harry's words were stopped by Luna quite forcibly sticking her tongue down his throat.

Slughorn nodded, pleased at Harry's accurate analysis. "Precisely, my young friend! But now that the unlikely has occurred, and you alone have survived this conflict with You-Know-Who, I can offer my keen intellect and wisdom to ensure we can rule this country!" Seeing that Harry was no longer listening (although to be fair, his ears were occupied), Slughorn chuckled and leaned back against Tom's corpse, content to merely watch. After all, that was what Slughorn did best.

-----

FIN

Chapter 2: Food for Thought

“You Are What You Eat”

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It had been a typical day at Hogwarts. A new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor had shown up that morning, and by lunchtime, had vanished under mysterious circumstances. The interruption of attacks by Dementor Basilisks in the middle of Charms had been annoying, but a combination of Patronus Charms and large mirrors had easily taken care of the deadly monstrosities.

The daily time-turner and potions explosion had its usual results. Hermione sat in the corner, snogging herself like always, while Ron had tried, and failed, to kick his own ass after he caught himself looking at the wrong Hermione. His only consolation was that at least his other self had somehow also badly lost. Luckily, a quick dual Reparo and Finite Incantatum by the quick-thinking Flitwicks had quickly fixed everything back to normal.

Walking to the table for the evening meal, Neville sighed sadly. It had been nice to hang around someone who actually understood him, even if the other Nevilles had been incredibly depressing. In a weird way, seeing them had made Neville feel better about his own life. On the other hand, at least he hadn’t blown up any cauldrons, it was one of the other hims. Or at least, that’s what Neville thought. Merlin’s balls, time travel was bloody confusing.

Harry had gotten to the table early, as he didn’t really want to talk to anyone about the recent deaths of Cedric, Sirius, Dumbledore, or possibly himself, depending on how the seventh book goes. And that other Harry from the past was always so annoying, asking questions about the “crazy future” and insisting he was the original Harry, when all the real Harry had really wanted to know was about the “crazy past”. Was that so much to ask? Git.

But Harry didn’t feel that hungry, so he picked at his food, and waited for everyone else to show up. After a few minutes, he was joined at the table by a red-faced Ron and Hermione, although each was embarrassed for a completely different reason. Ron began to shovel food into his mouth, seemingly without thinking about it.

Harry felt he wouldn’t be surprised if Ron accidentally ate the tablecloth at this rate.

After only a few minutes had passed, a couple of frantic house-elves had appeared in the hall, yelling and shouting at the head table. McGonagall had frowned disapprovingly and motioned for them to slow down.

“Headmizzus McGurkle!” The head kitchen elf shook his hands in nervous worry. “Theres is somethings awful happening with the food!”

Instantly, a shocked gasp arose from the horrified students. Everyone hurriedly spat out their mouthfuls of tasty Hogwarts fare and pushed away all nearby food. Well, everyone except for Ron, of course.

“Calm down, Ragnookie,” McGonagall told the head elf sternly. “Or perhaps I will ask Griphookie to take your place! Now, please to be explaining PRECISELY what has transpired. Immediately. And without delay!”

Ragnookie fingered his head kitchen elf badge worriedly and looked around at the students, who were all paying very careful attention. The elf mumbled something incoherently.

“What was that?” McGonagall asked in a severe tone. “Speak up. And clearly, I might add!” She added this in a clear and carefully enunciated tone.

“Well, Headmizzus,” Ragnookie said slowly. “Somehow the wrong potions gots mixed up with the foods. Instead of the health potions, we thinks it was Polygoose Potion.”

“Polyjuice potion?” Sprout repeated, aghast. “What would happen if food was mixed with Polyjuice potion?”

“Perhaps we should floo Slughorn and find out?” Flitwick asked calmly, ignoring the interim Potions professor, who was too boring to even be named.

“A reasonable idea.” McGonagall turned to the nearby floo fireplace. “Slughorn, answer immediately please! It’s about you,” she added, knowing exactly what would appeal to the corpulent retiree.

Naturally, Slughorn appeared right away, his great and magnificent mustache protruding even further from his face than normal. “Did someone say my name?” Slughorn asked in a rich, deep, mellifluous voice. Clearly he had been practicing his bombast.

“Horace, what would occur if Polyjuice were to be mixed with someone’s foodstuff?” McGonagall inquired.

Slughorn’s eyes widened. “You’re not seriously implying…?”

“I’m afraid so,” the Headmistress replied somberly.

“Well, then, I’ll contact St. Mungo’s.” Slughorn’s head disappeared from the fire abruptly. And, to be honest, a bit distressingly.

Then the changes began.

Half the Hufflepuff table had been eating mutton, and each began changing into hideous half-human, half-sheep hybrids, except for Hannah Abbott and several other girls, who admittedly looked rather adorable.

Neville looked down at his plate of mushrooms and lamb chops and began to worry. He glanced at the head table for support, but they had problems of their own.

“Um, I ate Mentos® and Diet Coke,” Ginny said nervously. “What does that mean?”

Hermione gasped and jumped behind Ron just in time, as Ginny’s head detonated, and her body dropped, burnt and smoking, onto the floor.

Ron blinked at looked around in confusion. “Whuh?” he asked intelligently. Suddenly, he began to shake violently, and his skin began to bulge, changing into a mix of hideous colors.

“Hermione,” Harry asked in a low voice. “Do you remember what Ron ate?”

Hermione nodded her head and was about to say something, but she suddenly shifted into a giant bushy pumpkin, albeit with arms and legs. “Oh, for the love of… Harry, all I had was some pumpkin juice!”

Harry wracked his brain frantically, trying to remember exactly what, if anything, he had eaten.

In the meantime, Ron had changed into a twenty foot blob of horrifying colors and textures, an expression of confusion evident even on his malformed, hideous face. The nearby first and second years saw his expression. They screamed in terror and ran.

Neville looked from Ron back to his plate of food and bit his fingernails nervously.

The giant monstrous blob of Ron shrugged his shoulders and continued eating. He was interrupted with a hug from an approving Hagrid, who had apparently had a mix of various hairs from many dangerous animals that had fallen into his food from his clothing, and had changed into a freakish giant with wings, claws, fangs, hooves, and giant spider legs.

Hagrid had never felt so beautiful.

“Oh no, look at me!” Parvati gasped in horror, having grown cute cat ears and a tail. “I think Padma’s cat’s hair must have gotten on my clothes… and then I must’ve eaten it! Gross!” Parvati’s eyes narrowed as her twin rushed over, in a similar predicament.

“Parvati, I think dander from Priya got on our clothes.” Padma pouted and fidgeted with her tail. “Dander is very small, it must’ve been floating in the air after we sat down!”

“Oh no,” Parvati burst into tears. “We’re hideous! I can’t believe I’m ugly.”

“No!” A feathered Lavender pulled Parvati into a hug. “You look cute! I’m the ugly one, I look like a giant chicken!”

“You don’t look ugly either,” Parvati insisted through her tears. “You really pull off that look!”

A frustrated Padma turned to Harry, who had just realized Ron had eaten whatever food had been on Harry’s plate, whatever it might have been.

“Harry, you still look normal.” Padma said, getting Harry’s attention. “Would you please tell these two they still look fine?” She smiled at him. “Would you please?”

Parvati and Lavender turned to look at Harry, paying very close attention.

Harry gulped. “Um, right. You, uh, you both look quite fit right now.”

The two Gryffindor girls grabbed Harry and hugged him.

“Oh, thank you Harry!” Parvati said, still crying. Lavender sobbed too loudly to speak.

Harry looked back at Padma with a frantic expression, but she shook her head in exasperation.

Neville realized he longer felt quite so nervous. In fact, he almost felt… like laughing. For unbeknownst to him, although he had consumed mushrooms – they were in fact Agaricus terriblus, the most evil fungi in the world.

Meanwhile, at the Huffepuff table, a frightened Susan Bones was comforting her sheepish friends, but was secretly glad she hadn’t eaten anything.

She looked over and was utterly shocked to see someone she had never expected to see again. The stately, but quite nervous face of Amelia Bones looked back at her.

“Auntie? But that’s…” With growing horror, she realized just who had been sitting there. Her face grew scarlet in fury. She pulled out her wand and growled angrily.

“Ernie, could you explain how exactly you turned into my Aunt?”

Ernie Macmillan looked around, but saw nothing that might save him. He had never seen Susan quite so angry. “Um, Susan, it’s not what you think. Honest!”

Susan spat in his face. “Then tell me what it is, Auntie.”

“It… it was probably just her hair. It must’ve fallen in the food from my clothes or something!” Ernie’s mouth snapped closed as he realized this did not sound much better.

“You mean hair from her corpse?!” Susan screamed furiously. Her eyes narrowed and she held out her wand. “I think it’s time to use an old spell my Auntie taught me.”

Ernie froze solid in fear.

Susan held out her wand. “Imperio Obliviatum.”

You are now and forever my beloved Auntie, Amelia Bones, head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.

The figure that looked like Madame Bones blinked once and looked around in confusion. “Susan, what’s going on here?”

Susan ran over and grabbed her surprised aunt in a hug. “Oh, Auntie, it’s so good to see you. Do you know a stabilizing transfiguration spell? Like for someone under Polyjuice who wants to stay that way?”

Madame Bones blinked but smiled slightly. “In fact, I do, but it’s illegal to use. I certainly hope you have good reason to use it, Susan.”

Susan smirked. “Oh, I think I do.” After a quick glance down the table, she looked up at her aunt. “And Auntie? I think Terry Boot’s a cannibal – it looks like he accidentally consumed Polyjuice mixed with a young girl.”

Madame Bones frowned and drew her wand, a steely expression on her face. “Don't worry, I’ll take care of that perverted monster.”

Over at the Gryffindor table, Neville Longbottom realized he was meant for bigger and better things. He was no longer Neville, the shy Gryffindor. Now he was the great Ovinomancer, Neville the Sheep Lord. He stood on the table and amplified his voice, eyes flashing with pure evil.

“My sheeply minions! Come before me, and bow before your true master!” Sure enough, the various sheep students ran over and quickly gathered at Neville’s feet. Well, they were sheep, after all. “Fellow sheep, follow me and we will have this world at our feet. For I am Neville, Sheep Lord!” Neville burst into evil cackles, although they sounded a bit like bleating.

His sheeply servants burst into a chorus of supportive bleating and applause. Hannah Abbot the sheep grinned widely. Finally she had a proper leader to follow.

“Harry, you’ve grown gills!” Parvati said suddenly from Harry’s lap.

“And your skin has gotten all shiny and pretty, like a rainbow!” Lavender enthused, rubbing her hands over Harry’s arm.

Padma sighed and looked over at them with a smirk. “Clearly Harry has consumed some sort of fish. Maybe some sort of rainbow trout?”

Harry nodded slowly. “Actually, that sounds right. Although I’m not sure what kind of fish it was – it was fried, as I recall.”

Hermione the pumpkin was still trying to escape Ron’s sudden hungry attention, and had banished several hapless vegetable students in his path. Surprisingly, being a pumpkin hadn’t reduced her magical skill at all.

“Oh, hello, there Harry.” Luna appeared in front of Harry, albeit dressed in a pink hood and an extremely short pink dress. “My, it looks like you’ve changed a bit.”

Parvati scowled at Luna and held onto Harry a bit tighter. “Luna Lovegood, do you mind? Padma, can you talk to her? She’s in your house.”

Padma shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t think there’s much anyone can do to dissuade Luna from doing anything.”

Luna smiled proudly and nodded.

“So, what did you eat, Luna?” Harry asked, trying to defuse the situation. “Something pink?”

“Exactly, Harry.” Luna replied. “I ate some pink Phelldagraf eggs. They are some of the most powerful aphrodisiacs in the world.”

Harry began to feel affected a bit like he did around veela, and didn’t doubt what Luna was saying. He suddenly noticed Padma moving a bit closer and felt a bit warm.

“Harry, have you ever heard that old Muggle nursery rhyme?” Luna asked suddenly, leaning over him.

“Probably,” Harry answered nervously. “How does it go?”

“Oh, I think I ought to change it a bit.” Luna moved closer, her eyes boring into him. “Little Bo Luna has lost her Man-Tuna, and doesn’t know where to find him. Hmm, there it is.”

“Technically, I think he’s more of a rainbow trout,” Padma said absently.

“Whatever,” Luna said blithely, shrugging her shoulders.

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“Say, George, this doesn’t look the Polyjuice potion we made for the Order.”

“I think you’re right, brother of mine. It looks more like the health potions the Hogwarts kitchen elves use.”

The twins shared a look.

“Perhaps, Fred, we should not inform anyone of this mixup.” George pointed out.

“No one needs to know.” Fred agreed.

 

THE END

Chapter 3: Ginny Kill-Off 2007

Ai... I cannot believe I almost missed this. This is the time every year I look forward to almost as much as the Annual Draco-Kill-Off.

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Ginny pondered her options, considering every possible avenue carefully and thoroughly. The only man who had ever refused her lay in a coffin before her, surrounded by crowds of mourners. She could never forgive herself for letting Dumbledore die without going where so many men had already gone before. But the Headmaster always seemed oblivious, even when Ginny was practically throwing herself at him.

And the old man never seemed to succumb to the love potions she had successfully used on many unwilling males before. It was maddening! How could any man resist her (sometimes fairly illegal) charms? Truly, it was enough to drive a girl insane with obsession.

But it would be over a year before Ginny Weasley discovered a way to achieve her goal. Not long after Voldemort had been defeated, Ginny was sitting with Harry and their friends, listening to yet another ridiculous story Ginny was sure Harry was making up. Using a Time-Turner to save a stupid horse? Honestly.

Wait... there was something about that story.

“Harry, sweetie,” Ginny simpered in a sickening tone. “Did you say you still had that Time-Turner?”

Hermione looked at Ginny with an odd expression. “No, we returned it to McGonagall for safekeeping. It's a very dangerous artifact. I had to attend a long tutorial before I was permitted to use it; we went over every possible permutation and risk. Then I had to pass a simply exhausting examination to ensure I hadn't forgotten anything.”

Ron snorted. “You probably just considered all that work a bonus bit of fun.”

Hermione colored but didn't deny it.

Ginny frowned, her not yet fully formed plan seemingly gone to waste. Unless...

“How is the Professor, anyway? Still at Hogwarts?” Ginny asked in her most casual tone. “I assume she's helping sort things out?”

Harry shrugged. “Yeah, last time we talked she said something like that. Still a lot of cleanup work to be done over there. I'm supposed to stop by tomorrow to help out a bit.”

Ginny smiled with a hint of a smirk. “That sounds perfectly lovely, Harry. Maybe I'll come around as well.”

“The more the merrier,” Harry replied with a grin.

Ginny still didn't quite have a plan, but she knew it somehow had something to do with that Time-Turner. But how to snatch it from McGonagall? Harry's Invisibility Cloak, haphazardly thrown over a nearby coach, caught her eye. Perfect.

The next morning Ginny awoke extremely early, ready to begin the first stage of her plan. She nicked Harry's cloak and Floo'ed to Hogsmeade while everyone else was asleep. Ginny snuck through Hogsmeade to Hogwarts, hidden under the Invisibility Cloak. She eventually made her way to McGonagall's quarters, and waited.

It was almost three hours later, and Ginny had nearly fallen asleep several times, when McGonagall finally emerged into the hallway. Moving quickly, Ginny darted into the Professor's room before the door closed. Her heart beat quickly as looked around the tidy room. Where could it be?

Accio Time-Turner!” Nothing happened, although Ginny realized it might be charmed against summoning. She poked around the room for a little while longer, reading through random papers, pocketing several small mementos, before she stumbled across an intriguing box labeled “Albus”.

Ginny grinned triumphantly. “Finally!” She rummaged through the box, pulling out various odd trinkets and paper, before coming across a very old picture of a young Dumbledore with a man and a pretty young girl. A bit more of Ginny's plan began to coalesce, forming something nearly feasible.

She pocketed the picture and continued her search. After a few more minutes, she pulled out a smaller box with a clock insignia. Ginny sighed happily and opened it. Success! Not only did the Time-Turner lie in the small box, but several pages of notes accompanied it.

Ginny grabbed everything and raced out of the room.

Now, Ginny had hoped to be able to read through the notes right away, but it seemed to be mostly in German, and the parts in English were far above her reading level. No matter. She had several “shortcuts” available.

----

Many days later, a disheveled Ginny collapsed in a heap in an apartment she had “acquired” from a rich classmate who didn't want certain pictures to be shown to his parents.

“Merlin's sweaty balls!” Ginny cursed vehemently. She was quite exhausted, but who wouldn't be after trading sexual favors for information nearly seventy times in only two weeks. Naturally, Ginny had managed more than that in the past, but she hadn't also been running all over Knockturn Alley trying to translate some Dark notes on time travel.

But it had all been worth it… the spell was so simple. “Spill the blood of thy kin / when warm embrace they be in / rut over their corpses with no care / and the portal shall open to thy stare”. Easy enough. Merely wait for Bill and Fleur to shag each other like they constantly did, and kill them both. That French slut… she was too good for Bill anyway.

Ginny prepared the ritual, feeling increasingly uneasy. Could she really kill her own brother? After all, in a matter of speaking, he had been her first - she had stolen a hair from him and Polyjuiced a random seventh year to look like Bill. Of course, the seventh year idiot had no idea what had happened, as he had been unconscious the entire time.

“Damn it all,” Ginny cursed to herself. She couldn't bring herself to do it. But then, suddenly, the all too familiar sounds of gooey intimacy came from the nearby room. Ron's room. Ginny grinned wickedly. Perfect.

Reducto. Reducto. My, that was easy. I always was quite good at that spell.” Indeed, it had been quite simple to blast Ron and Hermione*'s heads wide open. Ron still seemed to be alive, and was moaning in what must have been horrific pain.

*If it's Bio reading this, that's a typo - I meant to type either “Lavender” or “Life-sized Blow-up Doll Girlfriend”.

Ginny looked up, annoyed at the sound. “Oh do shut up. Lacerus.” The Slicing Curse cut through Ron's neck easily, ceasing his struggles.

A few short hours later, Ginny was ready to complete the ritual. She had her Polyjuice potion ready to go - and the perfect plan for seducing Albus. Obviously that old picture had been of Albus and his brother, standing with Albus's lovely girlfriend. Merely take a wayward hair from the girl, and Albus would never suspect a thing.

She incanted several dark and hideous words from the old notes, thoroughly corrupting her soul and incidentally selling the same soul to several dark powers simultaneously. But the repercussions of that wouldn't come back until later.

She appeared nearly a century earlier, only a few short yards from a pleasant little house. Ginny crept around the area, searching for the mysterious girlfriend. It didn't take long, as the young girl was in a nearby field, picking flowers. A quick Stunning spell later, Ginny had switched clothing with the comatose girl and plucked a hair from her head.

She heard the familiar, albeit younger sound of Dumbledore nearby and quickly swallowed her mixed Polyjuice concoction. In a matter of seconds, Ginny had metamorphosized into the more attractive form of Ariana Dumbledore. She leaned against the wall of the house and affixed her most adoring expression on her face.

An astonishingly young-looking Albus and his mysterious friend walked around the corner. Albus looked surprised and smiled happily.

“Ariana, you seem to be a fair mood this morning,” Albus said in a jovial tone.

“Well I feel wonderful now that you've shown up, darling!” Ginny spouted in a sugary voice.

Albus looked pleasantly surprised at his “sister's” coherency and presence, but his friend looked extremely suspicious, frowning at the out of character behavior.

Ginny leapt forward ecstatically, embracing Albus with a firm grip. “Finally, we can be together.”

Albus looked a bit puzzled at this, but patted Ginny on the back with a comforting motion. “There, there, Ariana, I'll always be there for you.”

Ginny knew that it was finally that moment, the moment she had committed unbelievably horrific crimes against nature and others to finally achieve. She leaned forward and kissed Albus full on the lips, writhing passionately against him with in a sickening display.

Albus reared back in alarm and pushed Ginny back. “Ariana! What's gotten into you?”

Gellert stepped forward and spat out a spell angrily. “Revealo Incanto!” Instantly a wave of odd, shimmering energy erupted from Ginny, forcibly changing her back to her original self. Of course, Grindelwald's particular spell was not designed to be pleasant for the individual who had changed their form, so Ginny felt the distinct sensation of having her skin ripped off.

She screamed and fell to the floor.

Albus looked from Gellert to Ginny, an astounded and horrified look on his face. “Who are you, girl, and what you have done with my sister?”

Ginny blanched. “Sister? Oops.”

This was perhaps not the wisest thing Ginny could have said, as Albus, rapidly connecting the dots as only he could, arrived at nearly the correct conclusion. A fierce, angry look thundered onto Albus' face. Ginny, who had never seen the older Dumbledore ever this mad, was frightened out of her mind. She crept back frantically in terror, finally losing bladder control in sheer terror.

“You killed my sister because you thought she was my wife?” Albus held up his wand and waved it harshly. Ginny was picked up forcibly and thrown with tremendous force against the wall, breaking several of her bones.

Grindelwald, a dark look of vengeance on his face, joined in a moment later, throwing a curse that shattered her teeth into a thousand tiny shards in her mouth.

“No!” Ginny screeched through her mangled mouth. “I only did it because I loved you!”

“I don't even know you!” Albus roared. “And for that insipid reason, you killed my own beloved sister?”

Ginny frantically reached for her wand, but Grindelwald was faster. “Lacerus!” His high-powered Slicing Curse neatly decapitated the time-traveling murderer.

Now that it was over, Albus looked troubled. He walked over and glanced at the corpse, trying to figure out who this mysterious girl could be. Gellert walked over and put a comforting hand on Albus' shoulder.

“Albus, you should not feel bad,” he said in a thick accent. “She killed Ariana und was trying to seduce you.”

This particular sentiment sickened Albus in more ways than one, including one that Ginny would now never realize. Suddenly, Albus' eyes fell on an odd pendant.

“My word,” he exclaimed. “Could that be a Time-Turner? But it's so small!”

Gellert lifted the device and looked at it with a practiced eye. “It appears so, Albus. Perhaps she is from de future?”

Albus looked troubled. “Merlin… I do hope this hasn't adversely affected the future.”

----

The Future

Harry grimaced in pain. This was not the first time it had happened, either.

He reached down and yanked the girl's head back. “Damn it, Daphne. I told you to watch your bloody teeth. What kind of a celebration is it when I have to worry about you accidentally biting my bits?”

Daphne Greengrass looked chagrined. “Sorry, Harry, but you know how hard it is for me to control myself when I get excited.”

Harry frowned. “No excuses. Someone else will just have to take your turn. Oh, Tracy?”

Tracy's head popped into the room. “What is it? Did Daphne screw up again? Well, so much the better for me.”

Daphne pouted. This was the worst post-Voldemort party ever.

Chapter 4: Thank god you're here - No-Arms Harry

Challenger:Jon

Line:"Harry lost both his arms in a botched Horcrux attempt."

Length:400 words

Time Limit:Thirty Minutes

 

Harry Potter walked carefully across the fire pit, his feet floating a few inches above the flaming coals. After another agonizingly slow minute, Harry stepped over the fire pit onto hopefully solid ground. He frowned thoughtfully and looked around, deciding to maintain the Float Foot charm for the moment, just in case. At this point in the treacherous game, there was only one more step to take – the coffin holding the Horcrux.

Carefully Harry disarmed the traps with a few wand waves and quickly thrust his wand up, causing the coffin lid to spring off into the air. Harry ducked instinctively, and narrowly avoided the hail of poison arrows spat out of the flying coffin lid. Naturally, a vampire reanimated at that moment, but Harry had been expecting this, so he decapitated the undead beat with a quick over-powered Diffindo. The vampire looked quite surprised, and managed a blink or two, before dissipating into utter dust.

Harry looked over the skeleton, and grinned when he spotted the Horcrux – Gryffindor’s false teeth – lodged between the vampire skeleton’s ribs. Now being a bit of an overconfident idiot at that moment, Harry reached to grab the teeth, and pulled it out – or tried to, that is.

Frowning now, Harry looked perturbed and tugged harder. The teeth still proved quite difficult to wrest from its undead prison. “Oh no, you don’t!” Harry angrily growled through gritted teeth. He grabbed the teeth with both hands and pulled as hard as he could, only to lose his grip and fall back clumsily, knocking his head on the stone wall. Harry snarled with anger, now a bit light-headed (the best mental state for dealing with Horcruxes) and leapt at the skeleton with a primal scream. Wedging the skeleton under the overturned coffin lid, Harry grabbed the teeth once more and gave a mighty tug.

With a loud crack, the teeth ripped from the ribs and Harry grinned widely. He held the Horcrux aloft in his hands and gave a triumphant roar. At that exact moment, the teeth, which were wide open, snapped shut. Harry looked puzzled.

Then the teeth exploded, blasting Harry completely back over the fire pit and chasm to slam into the wall near the entrance to the hidden cave of Mysteries. In a state of mild shock, Harry looked through slightly broken glasses and looked across the pit at the still smoldering crater.

Harry began to chuckle, and tried to adjust his glasses to get a better look. Only to discover he had no arms.

Harry began to scream a familiar refrain.

“Aaah! Aaah! Ahhh! AAAHHH!” A bit clichéd perhaps, but the true classics never go out of style.

* * *

Two hours later….

“So, Harry, how’d it go?” Ron asked obliviously. “Didja get the Horcrux?”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Ron, it’s obvious he completed the task. I sincerely doubt he’d look that burnt if he just turned tail.”

Ginny squeezed the still smoking Harry and started to cry. “I thought I’d lost you for ever and ever and ever and ever!”

Luna looked at Ginny with a blank expression. “I see,” she repeated again, having only said those two words over and over since Harry had returned.

“Oh, I’m so proud of you all,” Remus said with a sniffle. “If only I hadn’t been a werewolf at the time – two hours ago.”

Neville had almost interrupted fourteen different congratulations over the past seven minutes (when Harry had shown up), but never quite got the nerve. Now he was just annoyed. “Okay, please forgive me for asking this, Harry, but are you missing both your arms?”

Harry burst into tears and awkwardly attempted to give Neville a hug, which Neville tried to return, looking mortified. “Oh, Nev, thank you for noticing! I thought no one would notice.”

Luna nodded. “I see,” she said again.

Ron looked dumbly at Harry. “What? Arms? Missing? Harry? Lunch?”

Hermione rolled her eyes again, which popped out of her head. “Honestly, not again.” She fumbled for a moment and grabbed the rolling orbs, sticking them back into her eye sockets. “As I was saying, it’s not like Harry is handicapped, or anything.”

Ginny started humping Harry on the leg, who carefully moved to the side, allowing Neville to bear the brunt of the red-haired girl’s attack. Oddly enough, Neville seemed a little pleased at the attention.

* * *

Fourteen hours later….

Voldemort looked over Harry and shook his head. “Somehow, Potter, I never thought it would come down to this. Me, in my glory, you, with no arms to stand on, so to speak.”

“Fut up!” Harry growled furiously, his wand tightly clenched between his teeth. “Rehuto!” The hex smashed into an unsuspecting Death Eater (oh, let’s say… Snape? Yeah, it was Snape), killing them instantly, as Harry’s wand was still pointing sideways.

Voldemort merely chuckled and waved the Entrails-Rendering Curse at Harry, followed by the Disarming Curse. Both of which failed to work on Harry’s non-existent arms. Harry screamed incoherently and jumped at a surprised Voldemort, knocking both of them to the ground.

“Avava Kedava!” Harry yelled intelligibly.

Unfortunately, this was not just a misspoken curse at all – Harry was completely unaware what this curse would accomplish.

But Voldemort knew all too well.

“NO!” Voldemort tried to apparate away, but it was too late. The curse slammed into a wall (as Harry’s wand was still pointing away), and the entire building detonated into a fiery blaze.

All were destroyed – all, that is, except for Harry.

* * *

Seventeen hours later….

“Well done, Harry!” The new Minister of Magic Arthur Weasley beamed. He leaned in confidentially. “If you don’t mind, though, maybe we shouldn’t tell the public about your missing eye.”

Harry looked up at the Minister and sighed, and tried to get up. Or would have, if he wasn’t missing both his legs.

The End

In the blast crater, a single leg remained – and Ginny was there, to hump its brains out.

“Oh, Harry’s Leg,” she murmured. “You are my hero.”