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Temporal Indigestion

Jeram's 300th Post Smackdown

In honor of my 300th post at this odd but compelling forum, I have written a short piece commemorating my years here.  For those who say there are no good ideas for fanfiction anymore, let me just say – you just need to think of a unique and creative story.  This is not such a story.

Based on the stories by J K Rowling, but with an extremely biased twist or seven

DLP Member Jeram Presents

A Harry Potter Adventure -

Harry Potter in:

“Harry Potter and the Time Snafu”


“Harry, will you be okay getting back to your relatives?” Hermione looked concerned.  “After all, this isn't really the appropriate time for you to be alone.”

Harry shrugged.  “I assume Uncle Vernon will give me a ride, like he usually does – with an angry and annoyed look on his face.  To be honest guys, I'll just be happy when I can relax for once.”

“Um,” Ron glanced back and forth between his friends.  “You think you'll be able to relax? With...”  He dropped his voice to a whisper.   “You-Know-Who back and all?”

“Ron!” Hermione glared at the inconsiderate redhead.  “I doubt Harry wishes to blather on about whatever horrific things he experienced, and I'll thank you not to bring it up.”

“Calm down, Hermione,” Harry said in a soothing tone.  “I'll be all right eventually.  Besides, I'll have plenty of time over the summer to think things over and settle my thoughts and everything.”

“Time...”  Hermione mumbled to herself.  “Oh no! I forgot!”

Ron looked amused.  “You forgot something? Harry, I think this must be another Polyjuiced imposter!”

Harry laughed despite himself.

“You shut your gob, Ron!” Hermione replied scathingly.  “I cannot believe I forgot to return the Time-Turner... the Professor will expel me for sure!”

“The Time-Turner... you mean from last year?” Harry asked.  “You still have it? Have you even used it this year? Hermione, you should've told me!”

Hermione looked miserably back at him.  “Harry, I wasn't permitted to use it after third year – just I was supposed to return it ages ago at the start of the term, but with all the excitement, I completely forgot! I'm surprised Professor McGonnagal didn't say anything.”  She fished in her bag frantically for a minute, before breathing a sigh of relief.

“Here it is,” she said lifting up the necklace.

“Wow, it looks so-” Harry started to say.

“Hey, let me see that,” Ron said at the same time, trying to get a better look.  But in his haste, Ron tripped on his own feet and smacked right into Harry, who tumbled forward into Hermione, knocking them both to the ground.

Chagrined, Ron quickly ran over to help his unintended victims to their feet.  “You guys all right there?”

Hermione dusted herself off.  “I'm fine, Ron – but... wait a minute, Harry, do you see the Time-Turner anywhere here? We couldn't have smashed it, it's supposed to be nearly impossible to do that.”

Harry coughed and swallowed.  He turned to Hermione, an ashen look on his face.  “Um, Hermione – I think I may have swallowed it”

“What?” Hermione screeched and grabbed her hair.  “Oh for the... bloody... Merlin's Pants! Harry, how could you?”

“Hermione!” Ron exclaimed, impressed at what was for Hermione, extreme levels of profanity.

Harry looked extremely worried.  “So wait, what does this mean? Can Madame Pomfrey just get it out normally or however it's normally done?”

Hermione thought for a second and started to breathe in and out to steady herself.  “I believe so, Harry.  Just... just... try not to eat or do anything that might affect it!”

Harry burped.

“Oh, excuse me.”

“You're excused.  Now shove over and let me get some water.”  Ron nudged Harry a bit.

Harry looked around in bewilderment.  “What in the... Ron, where did we go?”

“We took the Portkey to the campgrounds, remember? It wasn't that long ago... oh I see.”  Ron grinned knowingly and winked at Harry.

Harry looked around in stunned amazement.  Astonishingly, it appeared that he had somehow landed in the past – somewhere in the middle of chapter seven.  A completely expected sense of deja vu swept over Harry.  The past... he had traveled to the past! As Harry began to remember his experiences from the last year, a sudden thought occurred to him – if he was in the past, did that mean he could change the future?

“I think I'm in the past, Ron!” Harry shook his bewildered compatriot.  “The past! That means I can fix all the bloody mistakes I made this year.  Merlin, where should I start?”

Ron's jaw dropped and he started to say something, but nothing apparently came to mind, as said jaw remained agape while Harry ran off in a random direction.

“I've gotta change the past... Gotta change the past.  Gotta... wait, where am I going?” Harry checked back over his shoulder and saw Ron looking shell-shocked.  “What's gotten into him? I better think for a second here... what exactly can I fix now? Oh, hey Cho.”  Harry waved absentmindedly to the surprised Ravenclaw, who hadn't expected a response.

“Um, hello,” she offered tentatively.

“Wait a minute...” Harry's eyes widened.  “Cho... The Ball! And this time, I won't ask too late.”  But Harry had never exactly been keen with the ladies, although he at least had the benefit of months of bad experiences not asking anyone out.  On the other hand, how could he make things any worse? “Um, yes, hello there.”

Harry attempted to smile, trying to squelch the encroaching nervousness.  Damn, hadn't he just had a year of this nonsense? “Cho, it's um, great to see you.  Here to see the Cup, right?”

Cho nodded, a slight red tinge on her face, but she looked pleased nonetheless.  “That's right, Harry.  Oh... uh, it's nice to see you as well.”

Although Harry was simply awful at dealing with women, he noticed that Cho seemed just as nervous, which oddly enough, diminished Harry's own anxiety.

“Cho, listen, I don't know how much time I have,” Harry said with a level of confidence that surprised even him.  “But look – would you like to hang out after the Cup? I'm going to be in one of the boxes with the Weasleys,” he explained, forgetting he wasn't supposed to know this yet.  “Otherwise I'd sit with you.”  If he hadn't been in an incredible rush, Harry probably would've been shocked at his sheer cojones.

But it seemed to work, as Cho responded with: “Oh, that sounds fantastic, Harry, I'd love to,” she said with a beaming smile, showing off surprisingly well-kept teeth.  Perhaps her parents were also dentists.

A sudden, nagging thought occurred to Harry.  “Great, so I guess you're not seeing anyone else, then?” This was a slightly rude, but to be honest, quite expected query.

“No, nobody serious,” Cho replied with a grin that seemed to say “for now”.  But Harry was never good at dealing with women, or reading their expressions – the girl he knew the best was Hermione, so he assumed that Cho (as a Ravenclaw, and therefore with similar values to Hermione) must've just thought of a great book she had just remembered to read.  Great.  Good for her.

“So you said you're here with the Weasleys?” Cho asked.

Harry's stomach gurgled, and he looked down.  Wait...

Harry burped.

“Hermione... look at you!” Ron looked gobstopped, a pretty good look for him.  It took attention away from his actual facial features.

“Oh, Ron, I can't believe you.”

Harry glanced around and reared back in shock.  He had somehow jumped a bit into the future, right at the beginning of chapter twenty three.  But that meant...

“Harry, you should really say something,” Cho whispered in his ear.  “Those two could embarrass themselves.”

Yup.  Harry was just in time to attend the horrible Yule Ball again.  But this time... could it be? Had he really changed the past with a few ill-timed words and bumbling attempts to ask Cho out? Yes, yes, he had.  Although Harry didn't realize that his timing at the Cup had been nearly perfect, as it had been nearly immediately prior to Cedric asking Cho out in the original book (which was never shown, naturally).  Cho was the sort of girl to fall completely for the guy to ask her out first – but don't ask me to explain any further, you perverts.

Harry looked in amazement at his date, who seemed to be wearing some sort of gauzy, girly thing that seemed to accentuate her lithe form in all the right places – and astoundingly, managed to give her some sort of cleavage.  Harry felt like Madame Malkin or whoever had clearly designed this dress with him in mind... wait, that didn't come out quite right.  So Harry stammered a bit as he said, “Wow, Cho, you look really, really... good.”  Harry wasn't that great at adjectives either.

But Cho blushed anyway, and smiled despite the awfully worded compliment.  “Thanks Harry, you do too.  But you don't have to keep saying that.”  Her eyes, though, seemed to say “Please continue.”  Harry read that incorrectly as “I'm wearing some sort of sexy dress”, although to be fair, he was pretty damn distracted.

Just as Harry had ignored his date the first time, he now completely ignored everyone else, feeling particularly proud of himself.  He had changed the past! In your face, time, he thought to himself.  Now all I need to do is figure out what I'm actually supposed to do, Harry mused.  He had never taken any sort of sexual education, and his exposure to romance was limited to very bad books he had managed to fish out of the trash after Petunia had “finished” them.

“Um, should I... damn it what do they always say,” Harry scrambled to find the right words as he somehow managed to dance without stepping on his date's feet.

Cho looked extremely worried at Harry's odd musings, but perhaps she also felt a bit... excited? Apprehensive? A combination of the two?

You'll just have to use your imagination.

“I think I would like to... ravish you, is that right?” Harry honestly didn't remember what this word meant, but he felt reasonably certain it had something to do with snogging of some sort.  Unfortunately, the best parts of the used romance books had always been mysteriously “water damaged”, so he always missed how things “climaxed”, if you'll pardon the very bad pun.

Cho was a pretty smart girl, in Ravenclaw, and a year ahead of Harry.  And she was also not an idiot.  However, in this way, she was a bit stupid – because she thought Harry actually knew what he was asking.  It didn't really matter, as Cho was the sort of girl to give it up to the first guy she liked who had the guts to ask.  I'm not elaborating any further.

Harry just happened to be first – this time.

“I think we can sneak out, if we're careful,” Cho said with a nervous giggle.  “I know a place we can go – the Ravenclaw locker rooms, no one will be there.”  This turned out not to be true, but how could Cho know that Roger Davies was passed out after disappointing Fleur with a particularly early and disappointing performance... on the dance floor, you animals.  But later on, he would remember that night quite a bit differently – but he had his ego to protect after all.  And still later, Bill would... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So Harry and Cho sneaked off to the locker rooms, preparing for what Harry assumed would be some sort of kissing – although to be honest, Harry never really got the appeal of what seemed to amount to just mashing lips together.  That's all snogging was, after all, right? Yes, Harry was a naive idiot.

But it didn't take long for Harry to realize how much of an idiot he had been, and he soon began to comprehend that there was an entire world of possibilities out there.  Fantastic, fantastic worlds of fantastic... damn, didn't expect... oh, that's what they mean by...  For you see, Cho was the sort of girl who would go – I'm not finishing that sentence.  Unfortunately, it was not to last, as soon...

Harry burped.

Harry looked around, only to find himself surrounded by what appeared to be first-year versions of his classmates.  Apparently he had landed in the first book, probably somewhere in chapter twelve, or thirteen, or WHO REALLY GIVES A ... “Oh BLOODY HELL!” Harry cursed vehemently.  “That was... ergh...”  Harry had never quite had such a annoying experience in his entire life.  And he was now, quite understandably, really really ticked off.

“Um, Harry, are you okay there?”

Harry whirled angrily, fire in his eyes.  The frightened girl took a step back in surprise.  Harry sighed, calming down.  It wasn't this girl's fault... the girl who was... hey, she looked a bit familiar...  Of course, Harry knew who the girl was...

“Susan, I apologize.  It is Susan right?” Harry was really hoping it wasn't a honest mistake.  But his luck had turned yet again, this time to the positive side.

“Yes, that's right Harry,” Susan Bones said with a tentative smile, always quick to forgive, especially for the great Harry Potter.  A bit short, but that would change eventually, and Susan wasn't exactly a Nordic Amazon.  Yet.  Of course, Susan had no idea the proportions she would soon grow into, as the photos of her mother had never been that flattering.  But her shyness would have overshadowed her potential confidence, and it would take years for her to even think about thinking about boys.

Except that this time, things had gone a bit differently.  Butterfly effect and all that.  But I'm getting ahead of myself again.

“You know, Susan, we've never really talked,” Harry offered in a friendly fashion.  This was true, but was also kind of expected for shy, awkward, and cliquish first years – of which Harry had forgotten he was one of at the moment.  “Why don't you tell me something about yourself?” Harry had also forgotten about his little Time-Turner “problem”.

“Well,” Susan started, a bit nervously.  “I'm in Hufflepuff, which I think you knew right?”

Harry nodded, actually sort of remembering that fact.

“Um, my best friend is Hannah Abbott... I like Herbology.  Uh, my Auntie is Head of the Aurors.  I like cooking.”  Susan was prattling on like a nervous little girl, which, incidentally, she was at the moment.

Harry frowned, not sure if Susan was okay.  Wait, did she say Head of the Aurors? Weren't they sort of the Wizarding police or soldiers or something? This nice moment was not to last, as soon...

Harry burped.

Harry looked around, surprised by the sudden change, although he had the wits to at least try not to look conspicuous as he examined his surroundings.

It turned out he didn't really need to worry too much, as he had inadvertently stumbled in book six, right smack in the middle of chapter twenty three, where Dumbledore was just about to say:

“And so you see, Harry, Voldemort intended these Horcruxes to help him live forever.  I realized the diary seemed to be a bit too powerful back in your second year, but it was only recently that I figured out its true connection to Voldemort.”

Harry boggled at this – which went unnoticed by the pontificating Dumbledore, but someone else in the office paid very careful attention...


Well, after about 2500 words, I realized I wasn't actually done yet – so I'm splitting it up, and I'll post the next part soon.  And the next part is actually a bit crazier than this one, so be forewarned that a fraction of my true insanity will soon emerge.